Despite this hell year, there has been character growth! I'm actually accepting gifts from people without feeling like a trapped cat over it. It is a little silly to be proud of, all things considered. But I've spent a lot of the last few months.. trying very hard not to think about a lot of things, and sort of brewing on everything subconsciously as a result.
With somewhat good results.
It is interesting to think on past relationships and finally have the last bit of nostalgic glaze worn away. Abusive behaviour is overt and glaring in my thirties! Before that, it was very easy to overlook and handwave due to the way I was raised. "If someone isn't threatening actual harm against you, it's not worth reacting to" was my motto, which kept me functional and the bills paid and everything done, but man.
No wonder I was constantly getting stress eczema, and heart palpitations, and constant fucking flareups of everything and anything. I used to tell people that if I got too angry or too upset, I'd puke, so I just learned to be chill as a result.. which was, in hindsight, an absolutely insane thing to say. It turns out if I am not constantly in a state of high stress, the slightest provocation won't set off adrenaline enough to get me shaking and puking.
Larger provocations still get me shaking like a leaf, but that is because, as doctors keep telling my sister, we fucking suck at handling adrenaline. We are not a bloodline meant to fight bears. Thank god we're office workers instead.
Anyway, almost done with all the holiday pics for the bestie, so I'm pleased. DND might start up again this week, which will also be nice, and I've got almost all of my Christmas shopping done, so. Also have most of my wedding shopping done! It is very early to have just bought an outfit, but I am not a party person. Better to just get as much out of the way as possible now, so that I can focus on helping to minimise stress with the rest.